I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. In all honesty it was one of the worst days of my life. I was 19 yrs and 5 months old to the day, I had just finished high school and in my first year of work and still exploring a new world, had only been with my boyfriend for about 18 months. That said, we had been engaged since July that year and planned to marry 2 years later, not anytime sooner.
He was in the doctor's surgery with me. I thought I had the flu, never thinking the nausea was due pregnancy. When she gave us the news our reactions then were a clear indication of how we'd see things in the future, we just didn't know it then; he started laughing, great smile on his face, he was so excited; I sat there numb and then burst out crying.
From then on my life seemed to fill with blanks, selective memory in a way and yet I just switched to auto-pilot and did what I was told. I knew I had done wrong, that I had embarrassed the family and now I had a duty to fulfill. The first thing I remember my mother saying to me (after she'd heard the news, burst into tears and hid herself in the bathroom) was "How could you do this to me, I had such big plans for you" I couldn't let her down any more, after all, I was her only daughter.
Three months later, one a Friday evening we were married. I never chose the dress or the day or most anything else, the wedding is a blur, when I think back to it all I remember are the photographs.
My Angel was born a few short months later, she was, quite naturally, perfect in every way. The poor thing, from day one she’d been through so many trials and yet, should you have the privilege to meet her, you would never say so. She is not a troubled child in any way, she is friendly, courteous and well mannered, respectful, studious and most importantly happy and well loved. She is also so brave and despite her age, she is incredibly strong and mature.

During most difficult time, when my illness was at its worst, Angel took care of ME, irrespective of being a tender 7 year old, she made me tea, helped me to bed, sat with me till I slept. It broke my heart one day when I woke to the phone being answered, and she said to the caller, "Mommy is sick in bed again". If only I had realized what it was I was doing to her then already: stealing her childhood, taking away from her precious time that she will never again get back. I admit, I was weak, in body and spirit, also very selfish, wanting my child with me instead of her being just that, a child.
What eventually broke me was when she came home after a holiday visit with her dad, she was so heartsore, I think of it now and it still makes me cry. She'd had a good holiday, she got to be a child, no responsibilities, no-one to care for, no need to play nurse-maid. I could see she was torn, that she didn't want to leave me and yet she did not want the life she had anymore, she cried, heart wrenching tears, that came from a place so deep within her and I knew, I had to let her go.

Since that decision, I've faced much criticism and ridicule. I've been called a bad mother, weak, irresponsible. No-one cares to hear the whole story. You, now, have only heard some of it. Angel today, is amazing, strong and independent, beautiful and talented. She is so happy. She is privileged as she has 2 homes, 2 sets of parents who love her more than the air they breathe, endless opportunities for a better life and she is loved, so very very loved.

Nothing and no-one is more dear to me, more important to me nor loved more by me than she is, not even my precious Mr Twist.

As I sit here and look over the years of her life, I smile, I know I did well, I know I am blessed.