Empty promises.. day 7
Today held such promise, I was up and out of bed early and had plans to do great things. Great things like going to gym, getting some fresh air, moving about. Well, I failed, and exceptionally at that! I didn’t even get out of my pj’s.
That's the thing about depression, for me anyway, it creeps up on you. The rollercoaster of highs and lows is draining. I’ve been on a high for a few weeks now, I thought that I might just be okay. Then a darkness starts rolling in, and at first I ignore it, blaming it on a momentary lapse and I smile brighter and put an extra spring in my step. Suddenly I’m no longer able to sleep well. I wake up at all hours of the night, Lie in the dark, wide awake and alert and will myself to go back to sleep but then my tossing and turning becomes bothersome so I get out of bed and then I know there’s no chance at going back to sleep. Even sleeping pills don’t work as well as they did, from giving 7-8 solid hours of sleep its only effective for half the time and I wake up exhausted with a dry mouth (usual side effect). I’m like a zombie and I’m tired, but I force myself to stay away from my bed, I do things around the apartment like rearrange furniture (our apartment is in constant change) or change the curtains. I do all this till I physically can’t anymore and then I collapse either on the couch or on my bed and I just lie there, sleeping with my eyes open because I’m even too tired to close them. My brain is active, I think about all the things I should be doing, all the books I should be reading, the people I could be talking to, the stories I should be writing. I lie ‘awake-sleeping’ until I’m able to muster the energy to move, be it 10 minutes or 2 hours. I attempt once again to accomplish something but all that often happens is my location changes and there I find sleep, uncomfortable and restless but I sleep until I’m shocked awake by the time and realise I have to make myself presentable, I have to prepare dinner, I have to make it look like I didn’t waste away the day, I have to do this before MrTwist gets home. Then the next dance begins and I show him I’m ‘okay’, I’ve had a good day, I lie and stretch the time I did things from minutes to hours to fill my day; I’ve changed into fresh pj’s, my hair is combed and I’ve dabbed on a splash of perfume and he is non–the-wiser. We have dinner, I tidy up, watch TV and he retreats to his study, oblivious to it all. I get sleepy again and eventually go to bed, probably too late and it all starts again.
Every morning I wake and promise myself today will be different, today will be better, only some days I keep that promise but every day I try.